


a list of reasons why I love you

by scorpiusismypatronus



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Both of them, Boys In Love, Evan POV, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Let Jared Have Vitiligo, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, cowards, evan picks at grout as he softly greives, it's for the car insurance, just for the insURANCE, my boy I love him, obviously, theyre deeply in love but like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 15:12:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13343844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpiusismypatronus/pseuds/scorpiusismypatronus
Summary: More kleinsen angst? In evan’s holy jewish household? YepI love this dumbasses so much Save Me From This Hell





	a list of reasons why I love you

 

Evan dragged his bitten fingernails along the grout of the bathroom floor, trying to keep his tears quiet. They were pouring out and he didn’t know why, he only knew that he was

_Hopeless_

_Worthless_

_Useless_

_Brainless_

_Spineless_

_Stupid_

_Lazy_

_Weak_

_Unlovable_

_A liar_

 

He let out a sob because he couldn’t keep quiet anymore, he had to let his pain escape somehow. He scraped his nails across the skin of his wrist, trying to come back from the horrible place he’d ended up.

 

_Failure_

_Freak_

_Loser_

_Better off dead_

 

He buried his head in his arms and sobbed.

At some point there came a knocking at the door.

“Evan?”

 

_He hates you_

_He hates you_

_HE HATES YOU_

_How could he not?_

 

“Y-yeah?”

“Can I come in?” it was unmistakably Jared’s voice, and he’d never heard it that concerned and soft before.

“’s not locked,” he mumbled, just loud enough to be heard.

The doorknob jiggled and a second later Jared came in, clothes messy, glasses crooked.

“Hey hey hey. What happened?” Jared sat down next to him, leaning against the bathtub. 

Evan kept his head buried in his arms, only tilting slightly so he could see Jared through locks of hair. “Nothing,” he mumbled.

“Is — is it okay if I —“ Jared lifted an arm in some kind of indication of a hug.

“Yeah,” Evan whispered, and a second later, Jared’s arm was around him, pulling him in. Like a sixth-grade girl with a crush, he inhaled the scent that was distinctly Jared, his stupid ‘manly’ deodorant and chlorine and vanilla.

“D’you wanna tell me what’s going on?” Jared mumbled into his hair.

“I—“ Evan took deep breaths, trying to feel through the layers of panic to what was really there. “I feel really — I feel so — worthless? And I — it’s really hard,” he said through tears. “And I, I don’t know, I don’t think I ever, I ever told you this? But remember — remember when I feel out of, out of that tree, back in the summer?”

“I panicked,” Jared admitted, and Evan was surprised out of his tears for a moment. “I wished I could have been there, could have found you.”

“T-thanks,” Evan said. “But, um, if you, if you knew? What I’d tried to do? I don’t think y-you would still feel that way.”

Jared didn’t respond, so Evan shifted his hair out of his face to try to see him.

“I don’t want you hurt,” murmured Jared. “No matter what it was.”

“I—I, um… You know I, I was in a really bad spot, I mean, I wrote a letter that people mistook for a, for a _suicide_ _note_ … um.”

“I feel like I know where you’re going with this?” Jared asked.

“Probably, yeah.”

Silence.

“You’re still going to make me say it.”

“Yeah.”

“I… I found the tallest tree there—I was, after all, you know, a tree expert,” Evan laughed bitterly. “God. I, I, I climbed up to the very top. It was so peaceful, Jared, it was so — it was — I felt good up there? And I, I was hanging on one branch and sitting on another and that’s all there was between me and falling. And I…” he checked to see Jared’s face, trying to see if he was going to have mercy on Evan. He wasn’t. “I got to the top, and, I let go.” He let out a quiet little laugh, one that meant ‘this is how it is, no matter how horrible it may be.’ “And then I fell, and I was alone, and of _course_ I couldn’t even kill myself right.”

“For the record,” Jared cleared his throat, “I’m glad you didn’t succeed. And…” he hesitated, almost seeming to be asking permission to continue. Evan nodded, taking his head mostly out of his hands. “I… last year, junior year… I was, I felt similar to what your letter said? Different, obviously, but… I was — I felt so shitty. And I — it was late at night, on a Tuesday, or a Wednesday morning I guess, I don’t know why I mentioned that, it’s not important. But I went into the bathroom and I found the ibuprofen? And I took the whole bottle of them. But it was just one of the smaller bottles? And I just felt physically shitty the next day as well as mentally. And my dad, when he found the empty pill bottle? He just—“ Jared took in a breath that sounded oddly shaky. “He just said I’d done it for the attention? And I — I wanted to die so bad and I still do sometimes — just — trust me when I say I kind of know how you feel.”

“Oh,” Evan mumbled. “I—I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s all in the past at this point.”

“I, um—this is going to sound stupid sorry I don’t know why I started talking—“

“Evan, you’re not stupid and neither is what you’re going to say.”

“I just — I’m glad you’re not dead.”

Jared shrugged. “Not stupid. Just not relatable content.”

Evan took in a ragged, shaky breath of his own. “You deserve — all the good things, Jared. You should be able to just, to be who you are without putting up a façade for everyone. I see right through that one by the way,” Evan snorted. “You aren’t fooling me.”

“That’s why I like being around you,” Jared admitted. “Because I'm me.”

“I think if everyone got to see the Jared I see they’d all love you.”

_Did I just say I loved Jared? Goddamnit_.

“I don’t think so," Jared said lightly, “but okay. And I — I think the same about you. Sometimes I wonder where you go when we’re, when we’re in public and you put up those shields? Where's the Evan who talks about trees and looks at the stars with me?”

“He’s hiding,” Evan mumbled, watching the other boy, who wasn't making eye contact with Evan anymore, it had gotten too awkward. “So no one has to see this mess that I am.”

“You’re a mess; I’ll give you that,” said Jared. “But I don’t mind, you know? And if the people closest to you care about you, they won’t either.”

“Thanks,” Evan sighed, dragging a fingernail across the grout.

“Anytime, honestly,” said Jared. “Wake me up whenever, I don’t care if it’s three in the morning, and I can remind you of my List Of Reasons Evan Hansen Is Amazing.”

“You… you have a list?” Evan asked, half touched, half waiting for the punchline.

“Yep,” Jared said, popping the 'p' and blushing furiously.

“Can I maybe ask what’s on it?”

Jared sighed, closing his eyes and tilting his head up slightly. “Number one, his eyes are beautiful. He makes me want to make eye contact, which is really impressive. Number two, he loves trees and talks about them a lot which is really sweet and I love seeing him that passionate about something.” 

Jared glanced at him for half a second but broke eye contact again, staring at the tiles on the floor. “Number three, he’s not a dick and I legitimately don’t deserve him in my life? Number four, he's really good at art? I don’t think he knows that.” Jared was barely audible at this point, his cheeks a furious red that Evan wanted to use in a painting someday. “Number five, his smile is… perfect. It makes you feel like you’ll be okay whenever you see it.” 

Jared buried his head in his arms, apparently too embarrassed to keep going, and yet, “Number six, he cares about everyone, but when he cares incredible deeply, and when he does, it’s wholly and completely. He doesn’t — there aren’t people he “only likes a little bit,” it’s all or nothing. Number seven, even though he wears blue every single day, he still rocks it. Number eight, I love listening to him talk because his voice is gorgeous. Number nine, he’s always warm and it’s great when I’m cold and need to hug someone. Number ten, I… neveropenuptoanyonesosomeoneIfallinlovewithhasgottabeprettygoddamnspecial.”

“Um…?”

“I… I never… never open up to anyone, like ever, so someone I fall in love with has gotta be pretty goddamn special.”

_Jared Kleinman’s in love with me._

_Oh. my. god._

“I didn’t have a Reasons Jared Kleinman Is Amazing list until just now, but I can come up with ten things for it easily,” Evan shrugged, cheeks growing warm. “Number one? Great sense of humour. Number two, he’s got really soft hair. Number three, he stole his fashion sense from a super-tacky thirty-year-old lesbian and I love it.” Both the boys laughed a little. It was completely true and they both knew it. 

“Number four, he actually cares about me? Which is… wow. Number five, he generally just says what he means and doesn't mess around with people. Number six, I love the little patches of dark skin — vitiligo? — that he has and I think it makes him look pretty — prettier than normal. Number seven, his eyes have two different colours and it’s gorgeous. Number eight, he’s really smart? He soaks in information really fast and it’s really kinda cool. 

"Number nine, he knows a lot of constellations and sat outside with me till two looking at them and pointing out all of them and telling me stories. And number ten, he makes really good hot cocoa and it makes my heart feel warm as well as my mouth.”

“Oh my god,” Jared mumbled.

“Yeah,” Evan mumbled back. “Oh, and eleven? He managed to love someone like me. And managed to get me to love him back.”

Jared cleared his throat. “Are we — are we talking — romantically?”

“I, I, I mean — I am?”

“Me too.” Jared paused. “So, Evan Hansen. Will you be my boyfriend? Y’know, for the car insurance.” He added a grin to make sure Evan knew he was kidding, and Evan felt his heart soar.

“Definitely. Only for the car insurance. Wouldn’t want you to lose out on that.”

“Reason number eleven: he cares about my car insurance.”


End file.
